ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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