dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
