I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
