I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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