just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
