I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did I show you my penis last night?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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