Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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