I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
