dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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