I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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