god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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