i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
