i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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