yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
