Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
