you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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