Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
you made out with another girl for some wings
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
