I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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