my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
