I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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