Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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