why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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