im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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