was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
