just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you made out with another girl for some wings
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
