I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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