Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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