I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
