i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
