Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
