i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
