If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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