Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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