It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
