This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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