Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
