she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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