I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
