I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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