Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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