I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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