haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
