Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
