I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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