You don't have asthma, your pregnant
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
