After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The convent might be a nice break from real life
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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