The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
