Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
