I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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