i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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