New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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