So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
